Two years passed quickly, and I started to wonder what the future would hold regarding our family size. It became something I thought about daily and discussed often. The idea of being done sounded so nice, but still never felt quite right. I became anxious, feeling like if our family really wasn't complete, I wanted to get the show on the road. The husband reminded me that I would be happier with the right timing then just hurrying to get that baby here. I knew he was right, but the topic still weighed on my mind daily.
Mid-September I had several days in a row that felt like the ultimate in contentment. I am not sure that I'll ever forget the moment I was driving down the road, the warm sun beating in the windows, all the kids in the car, and feeling the most overwhelming sense of peace. I felt the love of God deeply, and my heart was calm. I knew that whatever was happening with our family planning, it was in His hands, and everything would be just as it was supposed to. The feelings of peace and love lasted for a few days and I soaked them up. Writing about it makes it feel trivial, but it was a sacred time for me that I don't want to forget.
As October general conference weekend approached I thought about the October conference 3 years ago when I had just found out we were pregnant with Nellie and heard a message that spoke right to my heart. I found myself wishing for that same experience this time around. October conference came and went without that experience.
I was sitting in a late night meeting two days after conference and couldn't keep my eyes open. I was tired to the bone and realized I might need to take a test. Wednesday I went to the grocery store after I took Charlie to school. The immediate positive came, and I tried to call the husband. He didn't answer, so I texted him a picture of the test. I'm not sure the last time I got a faster call back when he was at work. We had a sweet conversation about how surreal this seemed and how excited we are.
We took a trip to Boise for fall break and decided to tell the kids before we left. I knew the odds were good I wouldn't feel good while we were gone, and I was ready to share the news with them. Their reaction was the best. They all ran around the house singing "we're having a baby" and haven't stopped talking about it since. Nellie is insistent that it's a girl and doesn't want to think about the possibility of a boy baby. Watching my kids excitement has been the best. They need one more sibling in the mix.
The last little while has been full of nausea and naps and wrapping my head around having 5 kids. There is not the same reception to #5 that there is to #1 (not that I'm expecting it), and that same judgment that I was worried about with #4 seems multiplied with #5. It's not about anyone else, truly, but I still worry that I'll really be able to manage 5 kids in a way that I will feel good about. It feels like a more personal pregnancy, somehow more reverent as I'm trying to focus on what is right for our family instead of what others may think. I have always said that I need to receive a very clear "done" when our family is complete, and I'm very hopeful for that feeling this time. In the mean time, I'm trying to embrace all the parts of being pregnant for (hopefully- fingers crossed) the last time. I don't feel good, but I know it will pass. I'm exhausted, but I know it's just preparing me for the long nights ahead. I'm looking forward to feeling the baby move and having the big ultrasound. I'm hopeful that nesting will kick in and motivate me to get things done here that I've been meaning to do for months- it's time for some pictures on the walls. I gave into maternity pants at 6 weeks. I'm 10 weeks today, 1/4 of the way done. I know that even though pregnancy feels long, it won't last forever, and I might even miss it someday. In the mean time I'm looking forward to June. Welcome to our family, #5.