My brain has been overflowing lately. Things I need to work on, things I need to do, sorting out some life lessons, gaining perspective and understanding, learning more everyday, improving ever so slowly, it's all there. One of the things on my resolutions list for this year is to write. I look back on the times I've documented my life and those words are treasures. I was lamenting how few recollections I had of my older kids as toddlers, but I found some gems on my old family blog that helped remind me of those times, and I was beyond thrilled. I started this blog to write part of my story. And it's a huge part of my story that has shaped the last three years of my life. It's been three years since my dad had a stroke. In two weeks it will be three years since he moved in with us. It has changed me forever. But I also recognize that that is just part of my story. There is so much more. When I think about writing it, it kind of scares the pants off of me. It's so vulnerable. But I know it will be good for me to work through some things. Even if I never hit publish on some posts and they sit in draft form, only for me to read, at least they will be there. I'm going to work on it.
Another goal for the year that scares the pants off of me? I'm planning to run a half marathon. It's January 10th and I'm yet to start walking again, let alone running. I haven't done any exercise since pre-Nellie. The run is in June. I'd call it a race, but I know it's not really going to be a race for me, just a run. I'm scared that I won't follow through. I'm scared that my body won't be able to push to those limits. I'm scared that my normal pace of life will take over the times I'm planning to run. The proceeds benefit local cancer patients who can't afford treatment, and just typing that makes my eyes fill to the brim. As we're in the middle of my mother-in-law's cancer, it has affected our family in ways I didn't expect. My kids are becoming familiar with terms that I had no idea about at their ages. They have a compassion that I can only hope to develop. Tonight I attended a class on chemotherapy with the other adults in my husband's family, so we can know what to expect over the next six months. I feel confident going into this knowing that my mother-in-law will come out ok on the other side of it, but it doesn't change the fact that she still has to go through it. So while she's doing her hard thing, I'm hoping to do a hard thing and run.
I have yet to totally outline my plans for the year, but maybe with the two afore-mentioned goals I should make it the year of doing the things that scare me. I'm also deep in introspection as I try to rid myself of some of my less-awesome personality traits and trade them in for better ones. Change is hard.
I am in a place right now with a really soft heart. There are many things I'm learning, and it's hard to recognize all of those faults and the many hurts left in that wake. There are thousands of mistakes I make every day. Motherhood is throwing me for a loop lately, with all of my children seeming to have various needs and circumstances that I'm not sure how to meet. After a few days of potty-training success, Charlie decided it was more fun to explore urine retention and spent a few nights screaming at 11 o'clock at night as he finally could no longer hold all of the day's liquid in his bladder. Potty training is currently on hold. Nellie won't eat solids and I'm really ready for her to have another food source besides me. The most she's eaten are a few grains of rice, 3 bites of avocado just today, and a spoonful of sweet potato. I've never had a kid who didn't like food this much. Just when you think you've figured things out, another child comes along and throws you for a loop. It is hard to gain confidence in motherhood when each child needs such different things.
And there you have it. A fraction of my current goings-on. All that to say I'm hoping to be back here more. And when I'm not, I'm hoping to be running more. And when I'm not, I could list a hundred other things I'm hoping to be doing, but I'll save those for another day.
Happy weekend. We have a baptism to attend and a few primary things to pull off and probably a pile of snow to play in. Hope your year is off to a great start.