Monday, November 19, 2012

Honesty

It's good to be back.   We spent last week in Disneyland.  It was a great semi-impromptu trip that was desperately needed, and I'm so glad things fell into place so we could have some family fun and time to decompress.

When we had Nellie in June, things were great.  I loved our slow-paced summer, and although adding another member to our family was an adjustment for all of us, we all seemed to be adjusting and things were going well.  Over the past several months, I've seen myself become more and more on edge.  It got to the point of almost constant irritation mixed with bouts of being completely overwhelmed.  One day while in a state of frustration, I had an impression that this was not normal, and that this is postpartum depression.  I never reached the point of wanting to harm myself or the baby, so I assumed all was well and didn't recognize that this could manifest itself in many ways.  But here I am, feeling so relieved that I was able to recognize and acknowledge what was happening, and hopeful that I can start to pull out of this.  I have gained so many insights in the past several weeks, and I'm hoping to share some of them soon.  I don't feel like I've totally closed this chapter yet, but I'm getting closer to the end.

This is a humbling post to write, but I've felt a need to put it out there.  I hope that others can realize that being sad is not the only symptom.  I hope others can realize that it's ok to be honest and not always feel the need to cover things up and put on a brave face and preserve appearances.  I think this is why I've withdrawn from blogging and friends and life in general.  But I'm putting the pieces back together and learning all along the way.

Hope you're enjoying this week!  I'm on turkey brining duty, and I'm excited for Thanksgiving preparations.  So much to look forward to!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

learning

Today I am grateful for struggles.  They humble me to my shoe-tops.  They teach me about myself, about those around me, and about my Savior.  They stretch me and shape me and smooth out the rough edges.  They help me rely on others.  They help me be independent.  They drain everything out of me.  They fill me with compassion.  They show me how weak I am.  They show me my strength.  They give me exactly what I need to become who I'm meant to be.  I'm grateful for a Master Teacher who loves me enough to let me struggle and teaches me everything I need to know along the way.

Monday, November 5, 2012

waste not

Yesterday I roasted a chicken.  We enjoyed it with roasted vegetables and I decided I could eat roasted vegetables everyday forever.  Last night I put what was left of the chicken in the crockpot with a bit of this and a dash of that and woke up to homemade chicken broth this morning.  Tonight we had tortilla soup for dinner tonight.  I am grateful that I have skills to stretch one meal into a few.  I am grateful that I enjoy cooking for our family.  There are times when I do not, and those weeks are miserable.  Usually it takes just powering through the rut and making one really delicious meal and I'm back in the groove again.  I am grateful that I can buy groceries and that my children don't know hunger.  I am grateful for the comfort and love that can be shown through a meal.  I am grateful for the privilege I have to make meals for my family.

Friday, November 2, 2012

family support

Today we spent some time with extended family.  I am grateful for wonderful family members.  I am lucky to be surrounded by wonderful adults (and wonderful kids!) who are funny and thoughtful and kind and inspiring.
A close family member was diagnosed with cancer today.  While we're still reeling from this news, I know that we will rely on each other for support and make it through.  We're fasting together on Sunday and will feel the blessing of many united through prayer.  I am grateful to be part of a family where we can pull together and lift each other up during our trials.  I know things will be ok because we have each other.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

perspective

Today I am grateful for the crazy.  An old friend came to visit today during the busiest hours of my day-the after school hustle and bustle with kids wanting snacks and homework to be done and everyone tired and hungry and figuring out dinner and just feeling done.  I sat and visited with her and let dinner slide (we landed ourselves at Which Wich where she helped me corral everyone).  Seeing her perspective and interactions with my kids was exactly what I needed.  She was enthusiastic over their every accomplishment.  She was charmed by Charlie's constant energy and long conversations.  She validated Sam's attempts to repeatedly do the states and capitals puzzle in faster and faster times.  She was genuinely interested in Addie's latest comings and goings.  She held Nellie and ooh-ed and aww-ed over how precious she is.

I will admit that I feel like I've been drowning lately with four kids.  I am consistently behind right now in many facets of life.  I feel like I'm treading water constantly but can never quite get enough energy to get back to a regular paced swim. It's probably contributed to a bit of quiet here- in part because I don't have time to blog, and in part because I don't feel like I have much inspiring to say.

Watching my single friend take in my daily scene, dirty floors and all (she came while I was mid-vacuum), and revel in my children made me realize how lucky I have it.  Even though I feel like I'm in the crazy right now, I am grateful for the crazy.  I wouldn't trade it.