A few weeks ago Sam and I were sitting together with Nellie. She was (and still is) in the phase of figuring out how to focus, and she seemed intent on something, but it wasn't either of us. Sam wasn't aware of this being a normal baby thing, and asked me what she was looking at. I told him, half serious and half teasing, that she was probably looking at angels. He paused and then very seriously asked me to please not talk about that again, and I tried to explain to him that it wasn't a bad thing at all. I've been thinking a lot about angels among us.
Time with a new baby is so precious and is gone way too fast, but every time Nellie gets that far away look I think about her looking at angels. I think there is a special bit of heaven with us with a newborn around. Since my conversation with Sam, my mind keeps returning to the quote "If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates." The pace of life is picking up again, and I'm reminded daily how much I need that privilege of feeling the association of angels. I think part of feeling that association is keeping the pace slow enough that I have time to recognize it.
I recently re-read a favorite talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland on angels. One part hit me in a new way as I read it: "From the beginning..., God has used angels as His emissaries in conveying love and concern for His children." I realized they're not necessarily here to help me through the overwhelming adjustment of having another child, although I'm sure they're concerned about that, too. Instead, I think maybe part of feeling those bits of heaven is to help communicate to me the love God has for His child who has just come to join my family. I think He tries to help us understand just how special each child is so we can try to love them as He does.
I feel so humbled to be a mother. I have gone through a cycle as each child has come- doubting my abilities, but also desiring to improve in every way so I can be the best mom for my kids. I'm sure these feelings are fairly universal among mothers, but I wanted to record the now so I can share it with my kids someday.
I have tried to soak up these newborn days when the depth of their worth is finding a place deep in my heart. I have loved the last 6 weeks when I've had the opportunity to do it all over again.