Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A few thoughts

Pardon me while I indulge in a little sad tonight.  If you're here for my regular dose of happy, skip this post.

I feel sad because after a month of our major food overhaul, I'm left scratching my head and trying to recreate a new plan for eating.  The husband was losing weight that he can't afford to lose.   My milk supply is on the down turn (and then I spent tonight reading articles from breastfeeding sources about low-carb eating not being great for nursing, despite paleo sites reporting the opposite, and obviously finding I'm in the camp it doesn't work for).  Nursing my babies is a priority to me, and sitting here with the potential of losing that privilege is breaking my heart.  I'm starting fenugreek and reintroducing carbs (although they're currently making me feel pretty crappy) and hoping for a magical increase in milk production.

I feel sad because this was our plan for healing, and now we have no plan.  This was our hope after the husband spending 14 years without much hope in relation to a cure.  I feel sad because the last several weeks have been killer trying to make this work.  I've been quiet on the blog because all spare time was devoted to food preparation, recipe finding, and researching these new diets.  I feel sad because it feels like all of that work has proven unfruitful, and it's frustrating.

I feel sad because I'm surrounded by family members and friends in the middle of hard things.  Although I know that hard things make us stronger, hard things are important for growth, hard things help us become who we're supposed to be, it's still hard to watch people we love get hurt and know there's nothing we can do.

I feel sad because there are decisions I need to make and things I need to do and sometimes I feel totally paralyzed to do so.  I over think until I don't trust any of my own thoughts and can't seem to find clarity and resolution.

I feel sad because I've been really messing it up in the mom department lately.  I read a post this morning from Stephanie that totally resonated with me regarding measuring our daily successes in motherhood.  I completely agree with many if not all of her questions to review the day and see how I feel about how things have gone.  But I feel sad because there are not many days recently when I've accomplished very many things on those lists of questions.  Simple things like being kind to my kids and taking care of our home are somehow not really happening consistently.  There are always things to improve on.  Always.  But sometimes I feel sad when I think about my kids deserving so much more than what I am giving them.

I'll be back soon with some happy thoughts.  Don't worry, I still have them.  :)  I am usually pretty optimistic and can always find the silver linings, but for tonight, this is reality, and I'm taking a little time to be sad.


Patty said...

Christina- Sometimes you just need to let yourself be sad. You are going to figure this all out and will be a better mom, wife and person because of it! I will pray for peace and patience for you!

Hannah said...

I am so sorry that the eating plan isn't working. I can imagine that it is frustrating after all the work you've done. It'll work out, though. If anyone can figure this out, you can. And I agree with Patty; every mom deserves a good cry day. (I had one yesterday as well. We should have cried together.)
Love you lots.

Britley said...

Those questions from the other blogger are lovely--if everyone is healthy and well. Other days, the more appropriate questions to ask are more like "Did I make it through the day?" "Am I still trying? Even if that means I'm just trying to get off the couch?" and "Would the Lord still be grateful for my efforts?" Those are sometimes better questions on the hard days.

I'm sorry that the diet changes aren't working. I wish I had some answers to give you. I'll be praying a better answer comes your way.

Ella said...

Such a disappointment. I hope you can feel good about a new direction to try. I hope Pat can find something that will help him. And try not to stress too much so that milk can start flowing! :). I just love you, Christina!

Carrie said...

Okay-- so I have just started a health plan that has rocked my world--and I don't know the entirety of the plan you need to be on, but right now I am completely gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, and basically starch free (temporarily for a few weeks). It requires this brand of protein shakes (Isagenix)--so let me know if you are interested at all. I believe in it so much I just might be a rep. And that is VERY unlike me. I eat lean proteins and tons of veggies as well. There is also a book from Williams Sonoma (it's on a post on my blog) and it's just about the best cookbook I have ever used. I have never had more delicious and healthy vegetable dishes (there's some other meaty dishes too). Also, Moosewood Cookbook is fab. It's vegetarian and just good.

Otherwise--on another note. It's totally okay to be sad. I feel ya there. But I also believe that in the midst of these hard things that you are going through--God is there and will lift you up when you need him to and you let him. It may not be in the time you want, but it will happen, and miracles are just around the corner for you. I am sure of it. Hang in there!