Pardon me while I indulge in a little sad tonight. If you're here for my regular dose of happy, skip this post.
I feel sad because after a month of our major food overhaul, I'm left scratching my head and trying to recreate a new plan for eating. The husband was losing weight that he can't afford to lose. My milk supply is on the down turn (and then I spent tonight reading articles from breastfeeding sources about low-carb eating not being great for nursing, despite paleo sites reporting the opposite, and obviously finding I'm in the camp it doesn't work for). Nursing my babies is a priority to me, and sitting here with the potential of losing that privilege is breaking my heart. I'm starting fenugreek and reintroducing carbs (although they're currently making me feel pretty crappy) and hoping for a magical increase in milk production.
I feel sad because this was our plan for healing, and now we have no plan. This was our hope after the husband spending 14 years without much hope in relation to a cure. I feel sad because the last several weeks have been killer trying to make this work. I've been quiet on the blog because all spare time was devoted to food preparation, recipe finding, and researching these new diets. I feel sad because it feels like all of that work has proven unfruitful, and it's frustrating.
I feel sad because I'm surrounded by family members and friends in the middle of hard things. Although I know that hard things make us stronger, hard things are important for growth, hard things help us become who we're supposed to be, it's still hard to watch people we love get hurt and know there's nothing we can do.
I feel sad because there are decisions I need to make and things I need to do and sometimes I feel totally paralyzed to do so. I over think until I don't trust any of my own thoughts and can't seem to find clarity and resolution.
I feel sad because I've been really messing it up in the mom department lately. I read a post this morning from Stephanie that totally resonated with me regarding measuring our daily successes in motherhood. I completely agree with many if not all of her questions to review the day and see how I feel about how things have gone. But I feel sad because there are not many days recently when I've accomplished very many things on those lists of questions. Simple things like being kind to my kids and taking care of our home are somehow not really happening consistently. There are always things to improve on. Always. But sometimes I feel sad when I think about my kids deserving so much more than what I am giving them.
I'll be back soon with some happy thoughts. Don't worry, I still have them. :) I am usually pretty optimistic and can always find the silver linings, but for tonight, this is reality, and I'm taking a little time to be sad.