Wednesday, October 31, 2012


I sure didn't try to leave the last post up for so long, but somehow it happened.  I haven't necessarily felt that much better about several of those sad things, so there it sat.  But I'm determined to turn the frown upside down starting now.  I'm planning to blog something I'm thankful for all month long for the month of November.  I'd like to say it will happen everyday, but committing to things like that is a sure way to set myself up for failure, so I'll say that it will happen most days, and if I'm lucky it just may be everyday.  I need to remember these things right now.  Hopefully I'll record a few other tidbits along the way that I've been wanting to write about.  Despite the hard things, life really is beautiful, and I need to focus on the good right now.  I'll be back here tomorrow.   

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A few thoughts

Pardon me while I indulge in a little sad tonight.  If you're here for my regular dose of happy, skip this post.

I feel sad because after a month of our major food overhaul, I'm left scratching my head and trying to recreate a new plan for eating.  The husband was losing weight that he can't afford to lose.   My milk supply is on the down turn (and then I spent tonight reading articles from breastfeeding sources about low-carb eating not being great for nursing, despite paleo sites reporting the opposite, and obviously finding I'm in the camp it doesn't work for).  Nursing my babies is a priority to me, and sitting here with the potential of losing that privilege is breaking my heart.  I'm starting fenugreek and reintroducing carbs (although they're currently making me feel pretty crappy) and hoping for a magical increase in milk production.

I feel sad because this was our plan for healing, and now we have no plan.  This was our hope after the husband spending 14 years without much hope in relation to a cure.  I feel sad because the last several weeks have been killer trying to make this work.  I've been quiet on the blog because all spare time was devoted to food preparation, recipe finding, and researching these new diets.  I feel sad because it feels like all of that work has proven unfruitful, and it's frustrating.

I feel sad because I'm surrounded by family members and friends in the middle of hard things.  Although I know that hard things make us stronger, hard things are important for growth, hard things help us become who we're supposed to be, it's still hard to watch people we love get hurt and know there's nothing we can do.

I feel sad because there are decisions I need to make and things I need to do and sometimes I feel totally paralyzed to do so.  I over think until I don't trust any of my own thoughts and can't seem to find clarity and resolution.

I feel sad because I've been really messing it up in the mom department lately.  I read a post this morning from Stephanie that totally resonated with me regarding measuring our daily successes in motherhood.  I completely agree with many if not all of her questions to review the day and see how I feel about how things have gone.  But I feel sad because there are not many days recently when I've accomplished very many things on those lists of questions.  Simple things like being kind to my kids and taking care of our home are somehow not really happening consistently.  There are always things to improve on.  Always.  But sometimes I feel sad when I think about my kids deserving so much more than what I am giving them.

I'll be back soon with some happy thoughts.  Don't worry, I still have them.  :)  I am usually pretty optimistic and can always find the silver linings, but for tonight, this is reality, and I'm taking a little time to be sad.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Mini milestones

adorable word art via
There are a few things I love about this weekend.  The weekend after October general conference was when the husband and I went on our first date 11 years ago.  The weekend after October general conference was when we moved into our home 7 years ago.  I love remembering.  I love marking milestones, however big or small they may be.

In other milestone news, Addie bore her testimony today in sacrament meeting for the first time.  Nellie is laughing and smiling and developing a cute little personality.  Sam is reading like a champ and having friends at school and really blossoming.  Charlie is continuing to be a ham and telling me "I'm sorry" 50 times a day for the smallest infractions in a very sincere and endearing way.

I love this family.  Things are not always easy, but the good outweighs the bad.  Hope you had a happy weekend and maybe enjoyed a few milestones of your own.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Full Heart +Heavy Heart

fantastic free printable summing up my thoughts from fifth and hazel

I have a lot on my mind, tonight. This weekend was general conference.  The opening credits were barely starting yesterday and my eyes were already full of tears.  I needed conference this weekend.  Oh, how I needed it.  The messages shared are always exactly what I need to hear.  I needed to fill my cup.

My heart has been heavy this week thinking about my friend Mimi.  Her sweet daughter Mia was the recipient of a donor heart when she was 4 months old, and as a happy, thriving 4-year-old, they left for Disneyworld this week.  They were on a make-a-wish trip, but after they arrived Mia got sick and they discovered her heart was in rejection.  Today they were going to remove Mia from life support.  I cannot imagine the pain.  John and Mimi were married the same day as us and we entered our married student ward at the same time.  Knowing that their life together mirrors our own in many ways (4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, 10 years of marriage), it's hit so close to home and reminded me how precious life really is.  I don't want to take one thing for granted.  I don't want to waste one day with contention or unkindness or pettiness.  I want to fill my days with love.  

Tonight I am keeping my family close and reflecting on the messages of the weekend, the joys and sorrows of life, and the things that really matter.