Friday, April 13, 2012

Slowing Down

This quote sums it all up quite nicely.  

Time is flying, but I am stuck in slow-motion.  I have so much I should be doing.  Task after task is written on lists made in the quiet of the night when sleep won't come.  My attempts to pick up my pace are met with blunders and exhaustion and the kinds of failures I can only laugh about at the end of the day.  A few days ago my efforts to have friends over for breakfast led to an orange julius explosion covering my kitchen, a waffle maker rescued from the garbage when I realized a flipped circuit breaker was the only "repair" it needed, cold waffles, sub-par smoothies and half a batch of batter down the drain, and a breakfast fail with the company being the only bright spot.  Luckily I was laughing, or I probably would have cried.

Pregnancy brings vulnerability for me, and somehow every doubt of my mothering abilities is right at the surface.  I'm not doing my best mothering as lack of sleep and physical discomfort lessen my patience and abilities, so it's not hard for me to find an abundance of examples of sub-par parenting.  With each baby I've found myself asking the question that I'm just sure (as in as sure as a crazy, pregnant mom can be) others must be asking, "What makes her think she can do this? She really thinks she can raise a child, two kids, three, four!?"  I'm usually a fairly self-assured person, but the doubts creep in easily when I'm pregnant.  I have to regularly remind myself that those doubts are lies before they take over and limit my abilities even further.

I'm learning to look for the little reminders of my purpose as a mother.  When I open my eyes, they're all around.  Yesterday the muffin sat on my lap while I helped him get socks and shoes.  As he narrated our activities, I had the thought, "You are so blessed to be doing exactly what you want to be doing."  I needed those words, and I'm grateful to have had that impression come at just the right time.

I'm realizing the third trimester has taken over and the need to be slow and settle in far outweighs the pages of spring cleaning chores and home decorating that I'd like to be doing.  I'm in an intensive season, and that's ok.  Those lists will be waiting for the moments when I have bursts of energy to nest.  They will wait for long afternoons when the baby has arrived and does a lot of sleeping and I feel up to a few chores.  For right now, my focus needs to be on people and not on the many things that I think need done.

It's our last weekend of spring break, and I'm hoping to fill it with movie nights and games and easy meals and time spent together as a family.  Hope your weekend is full of the people that matter most.


Hannah said...

At least you wash your waffle iron. ;) A comedy of errors like that only happens when you have guests over. (And...I'm happy it was me. Cause the breakfast was rather fantastic.)

You are a wonderful mother; here's hoping for a slow and east third trimester! You're almost done!

Kim Orlandini said...

Oh Christina I hope you can make it this weekend. I adore your blog and YOU! xoxo

Carrie said...

What a perfect quote. Sometimes I just have to say to myself, "Carrie- you are doing okay and that is enough!"