Sunday, November 6, 2011

Internal Dialogues (or proof that I'm crazy)

image via this shop via pinterest

Tonight I'm in one of those places I seem to get myself into far too often.  I feel like I'm in a rut and I should be doing/being more/better, but the motivation to make it happen isn't exactly there.  Then begins the current internal dialogue:

Pregnant Christina: "Take it easy.  You're growing a person.  You're in survival mode.  Cut yourself a break." (don't worry, when I'm not pregnant Christina I still find excuses to take it easy and maintain this amazing dialogue- this is not solely a pregnant thing)
Type-A Christina: "You're pregnant, not diseased.  Step it up.  This is not an excuse to quit life.  Don't take the easy road.  It won't be any easier later, so start now!  Get to work.  You can do it!"

And so it goes.  Usually the type-A half is humbled quickly by the pregnancy half (or other excuses half) and we meet somewhere in the middle, but somehow the middle-ground eventually leads to the rut.

This weekend was highly productive.  I suppose by highly productive I mean that the husband did amazing amounts of work winterizing outdoor things and somehow cramming our garage tightly of all bikes/scooters/ride on toys/garden gadgets/hoses/kitchen sinks so we could again both park inside (usually his car moves outside for the summer so the bikes/scooters/ride on toys can have their own more accessible parking spot).  Inspired by his productivity, I decided to get my act together.  I scrubbed kitchen counters and cleaned out some things.  The blahs subsided and I made a run to Costco, came home, and made a quadruple batch of meatballs (hello 3 dinners in the freezer) and two loaves of french bread.  Our dinner of spaghetti+meatballs+salad+bread was quickly devoured and I realized how desperate we all were for some home-cooked deliciousness.  I've taken it easy regarding meals for too long.

Goal 1: Step up the real cooking around here.  Breakfast burritos, grilled cheese sandwiches, waffles, and quesadillas mixed in with plentiful local drive-throughs have run their course.

Last week I was on my game one morning while getting Miss A ready for school.  By the time we all got in the car, she finally said, "Mom, what's wrong?   You're just so happy this morning!"  I then realized that it's a sad commentary if my child thinks something's wrong because I'm happy in the morning.  The stresses of our daily routine are often taxing and leave me feeling like a taskmaster, but it has me rethinking the routines in general to make some improvements.  It also has me rethinking my attitudes.  I don't want everyone's days to start so poorly just because I may not be feeling well.  It's ok for my kids to learn to be sensitive to my needs as a person, but I also need to be more aware of the role I play in setting the mood in our home.

Goal 2: Improve my attitude.  Think before I react.  Put the needs of others before my own.  (and maybe this is why I get overwhelmed- is this really 3 goals?  We'll call it 1 for now.)

My spiritual habits have such a great effect on my day.  If I start my day in the scriptures and take time for meaningful prayer, it is always a million times better.  For these things to happen, I've got to get to bed on time.  To get to bed on time, I need to plan ahead and accomplish the things I need to get done in a more organized way.  It's all part of a giant cycle, but I know the bottom line is if it's important to me I'll make it happen.  I just need to remember how important it really is.

Goal 3: Make spiritual nourishment a non-negotiable part of my day- everyday.

So there you have it.  Lofty?  Probably.  But needed?  Most definitely.  I loved the print above.  I may or may not accomplish all of what I've set out to do.  Somedays I'll still feel exhausted and barf-y.  Other days will hopefully have bursts of productivity.  But I need to just keep on keeping on, doing my best everyday, and hopefully it will be a little better than the day before.

Press on, brave soul.

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