Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Let it Shine
I love The Lower Lights. There is a little part of me that is embarrassed to admit it, especially with a mother-in-law who used to be in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but singing hymns in a revival-style is something I've always kind of craved. I'll blame it on my mom's southern roots. The Lower Lights cd is often on in the car, and hearing my kids sing along makes me happy. Frequently I find myself getting teary to This Little Light of Mine (watch the video above and see if this teary phenomena happens to you too, or if I'm just too emotional for my own good).
In case you can't tell, I've been feeling a slight funk lately. Actually, it started fairly close to when Bee a Little Better began. Which has led to a lot of confusion. I started this blog because I felt like I was trying to let my little light shine. I started this blog feeling a spiritual confirmation that it was the right thing to do. I had prayed about it, and things unfolded leading me down this path. I had thought about it for a long time. I had a clear purpose and a lot to say.
Lately I sit down to write, my eyes well up, and I walk away from the computer. My vision feels vague. I think about this little light and can't figure out what it is I'm supposed to be letting shine. There's nothing shiny inside- in fact, things seem rather dull on many levels.
I'm not quitting. Far from it. But I am digging deep in figuring out who I am and how to say it. I'm trying to discover what it is that I have to offer that shines. Becoming better is a vulnerable thing. It's not like I'm posting pretty pictures about an awesome craft I've made, and if you don't like it, it might hurt my feelings but it's ok if it's not your style. I've said from the beginning that this blog is about my journey to become better. I think the past couple months since starting Bee a Little Better have given me several opportunities for examining myself and identifying the ways I need to improve- the ways I need to be better. And frankly, it's hard to see those traits magnified, the ones that we wish weren't a part of us, but they are, so we have to own up and work hard to overcome them. And it's hard to experience the pain that can come because of our own shortcomings.
I guess I'm in the proving grounds to show that I really do want to become better. That when faced with my faults, I want to work to overcome them. That Bee a Little Better isn't just something nice to say, but it is an actual process. It's hard work. It's deliberate decision making. It's good choice building upon good choice building upon good choice. It's dusting myself off and repenting after the not so great choices, but realizing those choices don't define me. I can still choose to be better.
And I still have a light that shines.