Mother's Day

gorgeous pictures of me with my kids by Jessica Haderlie

These four.  I love them deeply.  Although there are a million things I've learned since having children, I also realize that a mother is something I have always been.  In college my friends would tease me about my motherly ways.  I was always keeping things real (aka responsible).  Having children was just a natural extension of my true desire- to care for others.

I've had a lot of thoughts lately about things I want to pursue outside of motherhood.  My deepest desires are all intertwined in pursuits to help others.  I want to help people recognize their worth, improve, and become the best versions of themselves.

Suddenly I realized that I don't need to wish for other avenues to do this- I am already doing it in the very best way I ever will- as a mother.  I am grateful that my greatest desires are being fulfilled in my role as a mother.  It's always been who I am.  It always will be.

Mayday

Some years on May day I love thinking about traditions of sharing flowers with friends and celebrating Spring.  Other years, it feels like the cry of distress for falling planes or sinking ships.  This year was more akin to the latter, especially when we woke up to snow this morning (I kept telling myself I'd rather have it May 1 than June 1 to try to console myself).

The past few weeks have been a blur. Two weeks ago Sam had a little stomach flu.  And then Addie.  And then Charlie was sick but never threw up.  And then I got it.  And the husband never did, but the next day he ended up in the hospital for a few days thanks to his Crohn's.  We'd been on the fence for about 10 days at that point as to whether he'd be able to stave off dehydration and turn the corner or whether he'd end up in the hospital.  Crohn's won.  One night his dad was there visiting with me while he was falling asleep.  He turned to me and talked about what a great example the husband is of being cheerful through his trials, and truly, he is.  He learns the name of every nurse, aid, and janitor who comes into his room and jokes and laughs.  He is good-natured and kind, even when he doesn't feel well.  He came home a little too soon and we've almost returned to the hospital several times, but he's doing his best to recover and taking it easy at home this week, going stir-crazy in the process.

He came home last Thursday and Nellie started feeling lousy that night.  Finally on Monday a trip to the doctor confirmed double ear infections- her very first.  In other Nellie news, she started crawling Sunday, just days before she hit the 11 month mark.  She has taken to it with gusto and is trying to explore all over the house.  As glad as I am that she finally hit that milestone, I am not always good at keeping every.little.crumb off the floor, so I'm trying to catch up on baby proofing and on housework in general after how the last few weeks have been.  There is a long list of things waiting for me, but housework is so patient, it always waits.

Sometimes I get a little flustered by people around me who somehow have gotten the mistaken idea that my life is perfect.  It's weeks like these that make me want to call them up and give them a laundry list of the things that aren't quite so perfect so maybe they'll have a little perspective.  Obviously that's not really appropriate, but I have those conversations in my head sometimes when I'm feeling particularly ornery.

Really, I know that I have it pretty darn good.  Everyone has their good days and bad, and we have had a few bad lately.  But even the bad days are filled with plenty of good when I stop to add it all up.  My sister-in-law made a wise observation that maybe those lives that seem so perfect seem that way because we're enduring our trials well instead of moping and complaining all over the place.  I think she may be on to something.

Happy May Day/mayday.  I've had a few things on my mind lately I hope to write about soon.

The eye of the storm

Today was the kind of day in motherhood that could have felt like a failure.  Each child had their own needs that I seemed to have a hard time meeting.  It launched this morning when Charlie wouldn't come get dressed and in my effort to catch him as he tried to run by, I pulled him down onto a small plastic giraffe that scraped down his ribs.  The look on his face was one I'm not sure I'll forget- his lip quivered and his eyes got big as he said, "You...hurt...me" and then launched into sobs caused by equal parts pain and betrayal.

Long portions of the day were spent comforting and consoling over injuries and hurt feelings and wrong choices.  At the time I was supposed to be making dinner, I was feeding the baby, comforting one child with hurt feelings on my lap, one had fallen asleep after some melt-down induced quiet time, and one was off pouting after letting off steam in inappropriate ways. By the time the husband walked in the door at 6, the sleeping child was awake and crying, the baby was fed and playing while inching closer to bedtime, the pouting child was trying to get back to normal after a lengthy talk and my attempts to try to communicate love and forgiveness, and the child with hurt feelings was off playing to avoid chores.  We had some form of leftovers or sandwiches/quesadillas as I played short order cook while the husband left for a night of meetings.

There were several times when I felt defeated.  As I sit here, the evidence of the living that was done in our house today abounds, and I need to restore some order.  There was a whole lot of emotion happening.  But I had the impression come more than once that I shouldn't quit.  Just because today wasn't picture perfect doesn't mean that I wasn't doing a good job.  I was holding it together the best I could, and I'll do the same thing again tomorrow, and some days are better than others.

Somedays I feel like the eye of the storm, the calm as it swirls around me.  Somedays it's not so calm, but I succeeded today in keeping perspective that even if I didn't have a calm moment, the next moment I could try again.  There was a whole lot of forgiveness in our house today, and at the end of it all I think an increase of love.

Wouldn't you know that today was how it was after our family home evening last night on this highlight from Richard G. Scott's general conference talk.  His topic?  Peace at home.  We haven't succeeded yet, but we're trying.

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For more inspiration, General Conference is available online, and I'm loving going back through to watch my favorites again!

Happy Easter

image via

As I have thought about Easter this year, my mind again and again has turned to the part of the story beautifully depicted above- the part where Mary returns to an empty tomb.  I can't stop thinking about her grief that in an instant, upon hearing one word, her own name, is changed to inexplicable joy.  A miracle.

I love Easter and although I definitely try to spend time reflecting on the crucifixion and the last week of the Savior's life and the Atonement, I can't help myself from rejoicing in the resurrection.  My heart feels like it could burst when I think about it!  He lives!  I know He does.  And that knowledge changes my life everyday.

Wishing you an Easter full of joy.

Whirlwind

So remember how we were selling our house?  Well, it sold.  We're under contract.  This week has been a whirlwind.  Our first showing was Tuesday at 4.  We had an offer late Tuesday night.  Wednesday was spent hammering out details of a counter-offer.  Today we're under contract.  

It is surreal and nothing short of a blessing.  We couldn't have asked for things to go any better.  I am grateful and humbled by the blessings that have been poured out.  

And then there are moments I'm caught a little off guard.  I hope when I share the goodness in situations full of blessings like this that life does not appear to be just perky perfect.  It is never my intent to seem like I just have to wish it and it happens or that everything goes our way.  We are blessed beyond measure, but reality exists here just like it does everywhere else.  

I could make a laundry list of the things that are less than perfect, but I don't think there's much to be accomplished by doing that.  I don't need to focus on the things that aren't going well, although they weigh on my heart heavily.  Sometimes I wonder if it would help give critics a dose of perspective to really understand the day to day.  When it comes down to it, my day to day is pretty great.  But everyone has their trials and we're silly to think just because something good is happening for someone that they've escaped their fair share.  

The husband and I take the good with the bad.  We enjoy the sunshine and figure out how to weather the storms that are sure to come.  We try to keep a positive outlook.  And above all, we thank heaven for the blessing to be here together- true abundance.  We have grateful hearts tonight and a knowledge that there is One who is mindful of us and has a plan for our little family right now.  We are so grateful.    

faces and places

Felt Feb 17 2013 pictures from Christina Felt on Vimeo, pictures by Jessica Haderlie


Somehow, this month has turned into a whirlwind.  March has definitely come in like a lion at our house.  I'm currently bouncing back from round two of strep/sinus infection/flu after round one of antibiotics didn't do enough to get rid of it.  So that's been fun.  Especially when I woke up to round two of being sick on the day we listed our house.  Yes, we did.  We listed our house.

This was not in our plans.  We just finished our basement and made some changes and are finally getting things just the way we want them.  There's room for everyone and room for visitors and space for our family to be as they grow.  But the first time I was in bed this month, I knew it was what we were supposed to do. I had 5 days in bed to think about it and pray about it.  As I prayed I could barely get the words out before I was overcome with peace and warmth that it was right, and that is not how things usually happen for me when it comes to getting answers.  The husband took some time and came to the same conclusion.  Before we knew it we had a contract on a lot about a mile away and a dear friend coming to take decent pictures for us and boxes everywhere as we pare down and put things in storage and clean and de-clutter and our realtor calling with people wanting to see the house while I was sick in bed (I hope "sorry, not today," won't be too much of a deterrent).

I walk through my house right now feeling a little disjointed, knowing that this place where we knew we were supposed to be 7 and a half years ago isn't where we're supposed to be anymore.  It's also interesting to think about who is supposed to be here right now, and what this house will come to mean to them.  I could give them a tour of the room where I've rocked my babies, or the places where we patched the walls after my dad fell through them.  I could tell them about how much salsa and spaghetti sauce I produced out of the harvest of my garden boxes.  I could share with them the countless nights of  chatting shared with the husband and with friends.  I could tell them about the parties hosted and the holidays shared and the hundreds of family dinners around our kitchen table.  We could talk about the neighbors who came and helped build the cover for our deck.  We could talk about the days it took to put together our swing set.  So much to share.

Obviously I am sentimental to the core, but somehow I have also been blessed to feel ready to move on from this space. I know there is somewhere else we're supposed to be, and I'm excited to see how the next chapter unfolds.

In the mean time, I'm counting it as a tender mercy that we had our family pictures taken one more time in this home we love.  Little corners and details were captured that I will love remembering, but more importantly, faces of the people I love.  Moving isn't as hard when I know they're coming with me.

catching up

It's good to be back.  A few days after my last post, I got sick.  Like, I don't remember the last time I was that sick, sick.  I spent Wednesday evening through Sunday in bed with strep throat, a sinus infection, and the flu.  Luckily the husband stayed home part of Thursday and was off Friday through Sunday to hold down the fort around here.  Also luckily I have good friends who will pick up my kids or bring over soup or text me to keep me up to date on life happenings.  Finally by Wednesday this week I was starting to feel like the fog had lifted, and I've spent time this week trying to dig out and get back in the swing of things. 

Being down always brings a good dose of perspective.  I'm grateful for good health.  I'm grateful for the pace of my days.  As exhausting as it may be sometimes, it was hard to lay in bed and not take care of my kids- I missed them and enjoyed the constant string of get well cards and posters they delivered.  I'm grateful for a good support system.  I'm grateful for the ability to be healed- both body and spirit.  

I'm so glad that I'm starting to catch glimpses of spring in the air.  Oh, how I need it.  My kids are stir crazy from what has felt like a long winter, and I am, too.  I'm anxious to dive into projects and clean top to bottom and watch things blossom and welcome change.  

Happy weekend!